We have to bottle our water before we drink it

Letters from Abimbola Mtakwishayenu, my sponsored child in Africa, installment #4

Dear Venice,

The old man in fancy clothes say because of you, me and my brothers and sisters can go to school. He give us crayons and paper to make you a card to say thank you. I am so happy for you in our lives. You change things so much. I am very excited to go to school again. It will be the first time for my brothers and sisters. I tell them they will have much fun. I tell them you are an angel, sent to help us, when they cry about our mother's death. I say to them: we are not alone. A nice lady far, far away is helping us. 

Abimbola Mtakwishayenu

Flush those pills and get off your ass

Letters to Emily Smith, my sponsored child in Africa, installment #7

Dear Emily,

I am soooo bored. I thought this summer would totally rock. Turns out it totally sucks. I thought my place would be party central but most of my friends are gone away with their families after they said they were staying here. F*ckers. I could have gone traveling with my family too but I'm not a masochist. Besides, Europe will be way more fun when I'm older, sans parents, if you get my drift. 

My dad left me his credit card but I'm sick of shopping. I went like, everyday, for a couple weeks but now it's just lame. So I basically hang out by our pool getting high on weed and reading fashion magazines. Looking at those models makes me want to puke up my lunch, which I only do every second day, so I don't cause myself serious health problems. 

I'm down to a size zero but now they have double zero - the new gold standard. So, I have some work to do. I should probably stop smoking weed because it makes me hungry. I can scarf a big bag of Cheetos in one sitting. And, of course, there's no way I can keep that down, not if I want to be a double zero so I usually make myself puke it up.

 

But life without weed would not be tolerable. I mean, there is nothing to do. I melted a beeswax candle and tried to give myself a bikini wax with it. I thought the wax would be really good since it's all natural. I just ended up making a huge mess and burning myself. 

Then I tried to make homemade nail polish with food coloring and corn syrup. The pool boy let me try it on his nails. We just ended up licking it off. No, it wasn't a sexual thing. He's gay, and like, my best friend in the whole world right now. He also makes the greatest cosmos ever. 

Then there's the tennis instructor. But that's a whole other letter. 

Venice

Letters from Abimbola Mtakwishayenu, my sponsored child in Africa, installment #3

Dear Venice,

My mother die last week. I am very sad. It is only me and my brothers and sisters now. My aunts and uncles come to say goodbye but went back to their village. I want to go back to school but do not know when I can do this. My brothers and sisters are too young to be all alone. I pray every day for help so I can go learn new things and help my family. The old man in fancy clothes give me a book, The Little Prince. I read it many times. It help me with my English. I think red roses are very pretty, and hope one day I can have one to take care of.

Abimbola Mtakwishayenu

For those in a land of plenty...

Letters to Emily Smith, my sponsored child in Africa, installment #6

Dear Emily, 

Well, I just finished my high school sophomore year. Only two more years to go. We had this wicked party last weekend to celebrate and everyone got totally wasted. It was awesome! Now, I get to lounge around our pool for the summer. That'll mean smoking lots of pot. I mean, obviously, I'm gonna be so bored. My parents offered to take me to Europe for a couple months but that's so passé. Like I care about seeing things that are hundreds of years old. Although, the shopping is pretty good in Paris and Milan. 

My boyfriend dumped me for some do-gooder, academically-excellent geek. Whatever. I'm over it. The tennis instructor whose been hitting on my mom also has an eye for me. I so trump my mom. She'll have to find another boy toy. I think she got bored with my dad a long time ago. Now, they just cheat on each other openly, you know? Maybe they're just too lazy to get a divorce. Anyway, my mom can be a real cougar. It's totally embarrassing. She's even hit on some of my friends. I was mortified. I mean, that is so not cool. 

My dad slept with a senior at my high school. Now that was embarrassing. He's kind of a perv. He likes them younger too, like my mom. But why do they have to be so close to my age? Aren't college chicks way cooler? I don't know what his deal is but it's kinda gross. Like, go smoke another one dad. You freak. At least he hasn't hit on my girlfriends, yet. 

So, it'll be totally awesome with the two of them gone for the summer. It'll just be me, the housekeeper, the gardener and the pool boy. Oh, and the tennis instructor. Can you say party at my place? I'm stoked. Speaking of which, I think it's time to spark up a dubee. Gotta kick off the summer on the right foot, you know?

Hope you're doing well and the weather is nice in Africa.

Venice