What the f*ck was I thinking?

So, those were some pretty bold declarations in my last post, and I find myself humbled by the loftiness of my 2011 objectives. Mostly because, at this very moment, I feel like the kid who didn't get invited to the party, like a bit of an outsider. Yep, I'm stuck on wanting attention and being popular. Back to square one. Craving the validation of my peers, and being hurt by its absence. 

I could continue to rant on the reasons why I think I'm all that and the world should act accordingly, but what good would that do? No, I'm trying desperately to resist having a pity party although, given my current emotional state, I'm failing. I'm stuck on numbers people. This deprogramming project I've so wantonly handed myself over to this year is not easy, and not going so well today. 

It sucks feeling like you're on the fringes, somewhat invisible. I'd like to say I don't really care and it doesn't really bother me but it does. Some things seem so easy, effortless for others but not for me. It's like there's some kind of obscure language I can't decipher. I'm trying desperately to unearth the secret but can never quite find it. 

But hey, a lofty goal must be lofty because it's not easy to attain, because it requires some serious self-examination and letting go of deeply ingrained beliefs. 

So, perhaps today is not so much a failure as it is a cultivating of consciousness, a budding awareness of where the starting point is, of where surrender must take place.