Friday, June 18, 2010

Letters to Emily Smith, my sponsored child in Africa, installment #6

Dear Emily, 

Well, I just finished my high school sophomore year. Only two more years to go. We had this wicked party last weekend to celebrate and everyone got totally wasted. It was awesome! Now, I get to lounge around our pool for the summer. That'll mean smoking lots of pot. I mean, obviously, I'm gonna be so bored. My parents offered to take me to Europe for a couple months but that's so passé. Like I care about seeing things that are hundreds of years old. Although, the shopping is pretty good in Paris and Milan. 

My boyfriend dumped me for some do-gooder, academically-excellent geek. Whatever. I'm over it. The tennis instructor whose been hitting on my mom also has an eye for me. I so trump my mom. She'll have to find another boy toy. I think she got bored with my dad a long time ago. Now, they just cheat on each other openly, you know? Maybe they're just too lazy to get a divorce. Anyway, my mom can be a real cougar. It's totally embarrassing. She's even hit on some of my friends. I was mortified. I mean, that is so not cool. 

My dad slept with a senior at my high school. Now that was embarrassing. He's kind of a perv. He likes them younger too, like my mom. But why do they have to be so close to my age? Aren't college chicks way cooler? I don't know what his deal is but it's kinda gross. Like, go smoke another one dad. You freak. At least he hasn't hit on my girlfriends, yet. 

So, it'll be totally awesome with the two of them gone for the summer. It'll just be me, the housekeeper, the gardener and the pool boy. Oh, and the tennis instructor. Can you say party at my place? I'm stoked. Speaking of which, I think it's time to spark up a dubee. Gotta kick off the summer on the right foot, you know?

Hope you're doing well and the weather is nice in Africa.