Friday, March 9, 2012

The writer's lament. Translation: pity party

Warning: the following is a writer's lament and therefore may be vomit-enducing. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Apart from blogging, I'm also a playwright, an "emerging" playwright, meaning I haven't gotten that first professional production yet. I'm still plugging away, writing, networking, writing some more, working with some great dramaturgs, etc, etc...

I can go for long stretches where I'm focused, positive and productive. Then, I'll hit a snag. My confidence falters. My expectations aren't quite met. I'm not as brilliant as I thought. The script needs work and I have no idea where to go with it.

Added to this is the feeling that I'm an illegitimate writer until I have that first professional production, and put myself on the theatrical map or until I'm published; basically, until some outside entity says: "Yes, you are a writer".

Pouring hours into a project with an uncertain outcome can be daunting. The script may go nowhere. Or maybe someone will take interest in it a few years from now. You just don't know. But letting go of concrete results is a difficult thing.

And let's face it, artists have egos, and if they aren't fed, well, they don't starve. They gorge themselves on delusions of grandeur, only leading to further disappointment. I try to remind myself to get all The Secret on my ass, you know, visualize what I want, believe I deserve it, and that I'll receive it.

But sometimes, self-doubt creeps in, and it's quite insidious. It would have me believe the worst, that I won't amount to anything, that all this work is leading nowhere, that I'm really not that talented and no one is interested in working with me, or ever will be.

I sure as hell won't quit, because I know, with every fiber of my being, that it's my calling. It's what I was meant to do. It's what I love and what brings me joy. Writing is what puts me in "the zone", where time stands still. And I need to remind myself of those small, daily victories, those fortuitous "coincidences", all leading to one goal. I know the Universe is on my side. I just kinda wish I was.