My goal in 2011 is to deconstruct everything I learned in school about what "success" consists of; to subtract my ego from the equation - no small feat. But I figure it's that or keep torturing myself over my perceived lack of "outward" successes.
I will willingly give myself over to what my life coach calls "death moments", meaning death of the ego, where I'm not the centre of attention nor will I try to position myself to be, and see what that feels like. Will I disappear? Will people forget about me?
Every day will be a new opportunity to release the belief that this or that new product will make me more acceptable to others; that the number of readers or "followers" is the only way to define a blog's success; that my self-esteem is based on circumstances outside myself; that the shape of my body determines whether I am lovable or not; that beautiful people are perpetually happy; that rich people are perpetually without worry; that celebrities lead charmed lives; basically, I will attempt to undo all the subliminal and not so subliminal messaging that bombards me daily.
We're so constantly fed utter bullshit, I certainly being no more immune to it than any other. I sense it will be a colossal undertaking to rip that incessantly growing weed out by the roots but I've reached a point where buying the bullshit is only leading to misery and self-loathing.
I was watching a segment on Brazil and its growing global economic status on 60 Minutes, and the one thing I remember were the shots of women in bikinis, frolicking on the beach without a care in the world; real women, not those skinny rakes that dominate mainstream media. These ladies had curves, boobs, tummies, asses, and they seemed perfectly happy; not moping around, obsessing about caloric intake, every ounce of joy sucked out of them.
To me, that's success. Fully loving and accepting yourself, exactly as you are, right now, and frankly, not giving a shit about what anyone else thinks.
Maybe I'll find success in 2011...