Friday, May 28, 2010

When in doubt, laugh at other people

Letters from Abimbola Mtakwishayenu, my sponsored child in Africa, installment #2

Dear Venice,

Today I walk very far to the water well with my sisters. We get water and carry it very far back to village. Then, I help take care of my younger brothers and sisters. My mother is very sick. She have what my dad have. He died. Today, we make rice for the family. The nice Christian people give us food yesterday. We lucky. There was fighting over the food but we got some.

Ok, bye.

Abimbola Mtakwishayenu

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Letters to Emily Smith, my sponsored child in Africa, installment #5

Dear Emily,

I am soooo hungover today, I just want to die. I feel so crappy. Every time I get this way, I promise myself I won't drink ever again. Then, after a few days, I forget how crummy I felt and do it all over. The one advantage is it makes me puke a lot, so I might have lost a pound or two. 

One of my friends had a major party last night, so, of course, I had to join in the festivities. But I never know when to stop, you know? I start feeling all warm and fuzzy, then the next thing you know, I'm puking my guts out while trying to shove some random guy off me.

Have you tried alcohol yet? I would suggest a hard liquor with a good mixer. That's my favorite. But you have to be careful 'cause it creeps up on you. You'll feel perfectly fine after a few drinks, then you'll try to get up and you won't be able to. That's when you know you're in trouble. 

And you have to watch those boys. As soon as they get a whif that there's a drunken girl around, they'll pounce on you and try to take your clothes off. One time that happened to me but I was too late. I woke up completely naked while this guy was on top of me. I must have passed out for, like, a really long time. 

You must have parties in your village, right? When your parents are away? Mine are gone a lot, so I party pretty hard. Sometimes, I think it's just something to do, to pass the time, you know? I mean, I have friends and all, but we get bored so we party. Wow, my head really hurts. I better go take an aspirin, or maybe a Vicodin, it hurts pretty bad. And I think I'm gonna go drink, like, a litre of water. I'm parched. 

Hope you're doing well. Write soon!


Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Inappropriate things to say before having sex

1 - Call me "daddy".
2 - We should take this diaper off first.
3 - Do you mind if I call you my ex-girlfriend's name?
4 - Which hole do I put it in?
5 - Should I wash my hands?
6 - Do you mind if I wear this dildo?
7 - Do you like my panty trophy shelf?
8 - I've never told anyone this but we're being filmed.
9 - I usually cry afterwards. Will you hold me?

and last but not least.... 

10 - My real name is John Edwards.