Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Letters to Emily Smith, my sponsored child in Africa, installment #3

Dear Emily,

I just bought an iPhone. How excited am I? This thing does everything! I can surf the Web, check my e-mail, text friends and use it as a phone. And it has like, a gazillion apps (that's short for applications). 

It can do stuff like find the best chicken wing place in town, play games, read a book, design and send digital postcards, look up recipes (not that I cook but for the kitchen staff - I think they'd really like that), tune an instrument, track expenses (although I don't really need to - I just use my dad's credit card, he takes care of the rest), edit digital photos, check surf conditions worldwide, find constellations and planets, track celebrity and fashion news, record music, and on and on!

Isn't it like the coolest thing ever? I mean, before I just had your run of the mill texting cellphone with a flip-out keyboard. Sure, I still had access to the Web and stuff but it was so not the same. That phone was ghetto. This one kicks ass! Hey, maybe I can find where you live! I'm sure there's a maps app. You'll have to send me your address. You can text or e-mail it to me if you want. That would be so cool! 

You should definitely give me your e-mail address. Then, I can send you photos of where I live. Or, we can become friends on Facebook! Then you can see all my photos! You must be on Facebook. I mean, like, the whole world is. Why didn't I think of this before? You should get on MSN too. Then we could chat in real time. How awesome would that be!

Anyhoo, gotta run. Tennis lesson. Which I HATE. I don't know why my mom insists I take them. I think it's because she thinks the instructor is really hot. Whatever. I have a massage afterwards so at least I have something to look forward to. 

Well, tata for now. Write soon!

Friday, March 26, 2010

My boyfriend's pitch for yeast infection medication marketing

Yeast. It belongs in bread, not burgers. (Think about it... think about it... ahhh, there you go.)

Monday, March 22, 2010

Inappropriate things to say to someone after you've had sex for the first time

1 - You really do remind me of my mother.
2 - I should feed the girl in my basement.
3 - I'll be right back. I have to call my husband.
4 - This doesn't mean you'll get an A.
5 - How many kids have you had?
6 - Man, my crabs are itchy.
7 - Next time we should use your ass.
8 - I lied. I didn't have a vasectomy.
9 - If my kids call, say you're my brother.

And last but not least...

10 - My real name is John Edwards. 

Friday, March 19, 2010

Check this out y'all

Lewis Black, another favorite comic of mine, explaining religion. The more I think about religion, the more its absurdity hits me. This distresses me. I must laugh.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Here's one a colleague of mine sent me...

Husband says to wife: "My Olympic condoms have arrived... I think I'll wear gold tonight."

Wife says: "Why not wear silver and come second for a change."

Monday, March 15, 2010

Letters to Emily Smith, my sponsored child in Africa, installment #2

Dear Emily,

I am so mad, I could cry. That stupid girl with her stupid face piercings and bad dye job at Starbucks screwed up my order again! I took one sip and had to throw my latté away. I hate it when that happens! Especially when I need my caffeine fix! If I don't have my caffeinated beverage at a certain time every day, I am a complete mess. 

I wish they could hire decent people at Starbucks. I mean, how hard is it? Actually, it would probably be a great job for some of your older relatives if they wanted to move here. You don't need to know much. They'll show you how to work the espresso and cappuccino machine. You just can't steal the money in the till, as tempting as that may be. 

Wow. I should start a business. Finding jobs for poor people from Africa. I think I'd be great at it. And it would make me feel good that I'm helping immigrants adjust to life here. You know, that's just the kind of person I am. I want to help people. 

Crap. Gotta go. Am at another Starbucks. These f*cking immigrants! I said: tall, half-sweet, soy milk, non-fat, low-foam, hint of whip cream, three chocolate sprinkles on my latté! How hard is that?

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Dane Cook - f*ckin' A

Dane Cook is currently my favorite comic. Every time I listen to his material, I shit myself (not literally but... no pun intended - if you've got that kind of fetish, go ahead and fantasize about it. I know you want to.) Anyhoo, this was the first glimpse I got of Dane Cook in action - the B & E.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Inappropriate things to say when you first meet your girlfriend's mother

1-  Wow, great rack!
2 - What's your daughter's name again?
3 - Those charges were not proven in court.
4 - I don't believe in employment.
5 - Human flesh is much more tender than I was led to believe.
6 - I don't sleep with all my students.
7 - Who knew she took it in the pooper?
8 - Excuse me for a moment, I have to call my parole officer.
9 - You wanna do a 3-way?

and a really, really inappropriate thing to say in this situation is...

10 - Did you know your daughter can fart out of her pussy?

Monday, March 8, 2010

Letters to Emily Smith, my sponsored child in Africa, installment #1

Dear Emily,

I am stuffed! Just had a huge dinner at a new restaurant in the market. It's a seafood place. Is there seafood in Africa?

Anyway, I had this shrimp dish. It was amazing. The shrimp were plump and juicy and perfectly cooked and dripping with garlic butter. Mmmmm. Yummy goodness. I thought I'd died and gone to heaven. 

I also had a lobster tail with more garlic butter. Apparently, garlic is really good for you. You should eat some, if you have garlic in your village. 

Now I feel like a beached whale, all fat and heavy. Maybe I ate too much but it was soooo good. You know when you're eating something so tasty, you just can't stop yourself even though you feel full? That's exactly what I did at dinner tonight. I ate like a little piggy. 

Now I'm paying the price. But that's ok 'cause my personal trainer is coming in the morning to help me work off those extra calories before I hit the mall for some shopping in the afternoon. Maybe I'll get a mani-pedi too. It's important to pamper yourself, you know?

Anyhoo, better run. The maid's running my bath and I want to make sure the water temperature isn't too hot. She can never seem to get it right! 

Hope you're doing well. Write soon! Tata for now!

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Bonjour mes amis...

To set the tone of this brand spankin' new blog, here's a joke I was recently told:

What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? The holocaust.