Friday, May 2, 2014

When you think you're a stinking pile of shit...

The power of positive thinking. I'm trying to cling to this notion even as I feel myself slipping further and further away from it. I know from experience that this kind of stuff does work. Being clear about my intentions, creating a vision board, believing that the seemingly impossible is possible.

But then life decides to throw some curve balls. Is this to test my faith? Or bring me back to "reality"? I'd like to think it's the former. As a writer, one must get used to copious amounts of rejection but after a while, rejection takes its toll. Self-esteem plummets, leaving plenty of room for self-doubt to creep in.

What if I'm shit? What if my writing is no good? What if nothing ever comes of this? Then I remind myself that I have a production coming up next year, which is a big f*cking deal, and that I had a short play produced last fall. It received mixed reviews, which felt like a sharp arrow through my heart, although the few words mentioned about it in a major paper were positive. However, people to this day tell me that short play was one of their favorites (it was performed with nine others as part of a festival), and that it brought them to unexpected places. What more could I ask for?

All I wanted a few years ago was a production. I have one in the hopper, and now I want multiple productions. It's a trap, really, a thirst that will never be quenched if I focus solely on end results without enjoying the journey. It's like nothing can happen "fast enough". I'm so anxious to legitimize myself as a writer but I must be careful not to intertwine my self-worth with my accomplishments or perceived lack thereof.

I think I need to relax, breathe, have fun and not worry about "how" things will come about. I'm doing my part. I just need to trust the Universe a little more and stop being so impatient. I mean, really, how hard can that be?

1 comment:

  1. Of course it's not the same thing, but as a PhD student whose project has dragged on a little longer than it was supposed to, but who hopes to eventually make a career in academia, I can relate to the self-esteem issues and insecurity. I know I'm good enough, but it's a crapshoot out there jobwise, who's to guarantee my ducks will end up in a row? And, if I don't end up in academia, what will all these years have been for? Loving my research as I do, it is difficult to separate my private and professional identity/ies?

    But at the same time, this unquenchable thirst, this impatience, this wish for more and faster and comeonfinally! that you speak of, that to me is a sign of passion, of doing what you love, of never getting enough of it. And that must mean we're on the right track :)